Happy Friday everyone!!!
I want to share a little own-it story/realization with you.
Well frankly speaking, the past month.. has sucked. The past few weeks (starting with a LOT of job uncertainty) have brought out many many insecurities, and reasons for self doubt.
My relationship with my boyfriend began to suffer, and my relationship with myself.. has been horrible. Luckily I live with 2 amazing women who listen and encourage me when I need it, so I have been able to keep on pushing through it.
I began to let my insecurities take over... my worst thoughts about myself, about what others think, about what I am capable of etc. My looks, my weight, my career, my future.. all brought into question. All became one loud paranoid thought in my mind.
We all have our issues. We all have our own doubts. Who we are, who we were, who we are MEANT to be. Then there is what ppl EXPECT you to BE or NOT be. A million words, a million directions, a million thoughts.. all clanging in my one little mind.
Yes I have a therapist (which I highly recommend doing - no matter WHO you are). Yes I have amazing friends. I have people in my life who care, people who I can count on. I have a family, that no matter how chaotic, is full of love and a unique closeness that not many people experience. I even have a truly amazing guy in my life who has shown me again and again his unconditional and unparalleled love for little ole' me.
Their words, their love.. was for the most part lost on me.
It doesn't matter what we look like, if we don't really see ourselves. It doesn't matter if we have ppl encouraging us, if we don't really hear them. It doesn't matter how hard we try, if we are waiting to fail.
I have been talking about a lot of these insecurities lately, getting them out has done 2 things.
- At first it made me more aware/sensitive of them.. but then ...
- It made me realize how FALSE my insecurities are. How they are lies, I have been holding onto. For comfort? for Fear? out of weakness? who knows.
My sister Maria, as you all know.. ran a 4 mile race a couple weeks ago. She isn't the work out "type"...but she decided she was gonna do it..and BAM she did! My Brother Peter (who lost a leg to cancer a few years ago) ran a 5 mile race last summer. My other brother just completed a full year of INTENSIVE and life changing rehab!! These are just a handful of examples that have made an impact on me lately. I decided on Monday to sign up for the next 4 mile race..which is on April 19th. I am NOT a runner, but am trying to convert. This week, for my first time ever I made it to 2.5 miles! and somewhere between the 2nd mile and 2.5 something happened. Something empowering. I did it. I wanted to quit, to give up and start walking like I usually do when I am tired of working out and cant do more. I quit. Just like, when things are hard at work.. or in a relationship..I withdraw.. I quit in little ways. Accept defeat. Accept the lies my mind tells me.. "you cant do it", "you're not worth it", "You are JUST not good enough".. "you're weak".. or my fave justification "what's the point anyway"..ETC ETC ETC.
But not this time. I went on.. I kept running. I thought.. "F you all you naysayers! Screw you Little Negative Nancy living in the back of my mind"..and did it.
ReaLIZAtion: I am stronger than I think. I can DO anything I set my mind to.
Today I have been thinking about an aggressive work out plan to jumpstart this body of mine, and I am getting my roomies to do it too! Today I am telling my boyfriend that I love him, and he is a GOOD MAN, and He is a LUCKY man.. bc I AM a fabulous woman. Today I am aiming for 2.75 miles on the treadmill. Today I am brainstorming on how I can make more money for my company.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery..today is all we have..and today I CHOOSE to own it.